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What does healing look like.......

I recently had back surgery. The surgeon said it was the second biggest herniated disc he has ever seen and he didn't know how I was walking around like that and still smiling. I thought I was fine and never felt pain in my back. I was dealing with sciatica but thought I just needed to stretch a little more until I felt the most unbearable pain that I've felt in my life. In my healing journey, I don't think I was quiet prepared for what to expect. When I developed a knot and swelling around my incision sight, I thought for sure something was wrong. When I met with the surgeon, he said "you are fine, that means it is healing". After not experiencing much pain and now a sudden  onset of pain, worry would naturally creep in. He said "I had to cut through several layers of tissue and muscle to get to the source of your pain. After relieving the pain, I had to stitch each layer that I had cut." He said, "what you are experiencing is the bunching of scar tissue that occurs with the healing process."  What does healing look like? Alot of times when we are triggered, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're not healing, but that there's another layer that has been exposed in the process. How do we respond?  Our emotional healing process is similar to our physical healing process. Once injured, we develop stronger scar tissue in that area as it heals. When you find yourself challenged, doubted, or even hurt again and it doesn’t take you back to a crisis state, it is an indicator that you are stronger than you were before. How do we know when we have healed from a traumatic event or heartbreak? Embarking on an inner healing journey can be confusing but because trauma is a universal experience, everyone has something to heal from.

How to know if we are healing..

1, The traumatic event doesn’t interfere with your day to day life.

2. You now take power from the trauma instead of it taking power from you.

3. The emotional scar tissue stands up when tested.

4. You don’t cling to old, destructive patterns anymore. 

5. You have found an inner peace.

May 13, 2023 DW

Vision Check?.....

I never felt like I had a problem with my vision. I decided to make an eye doctor appointment when I was making one for the kids just in case about 15 years ago. I knew it would yield no result. As the doctor began to turn the knobs on his machine, I realize that the lens I was use to looking through was blurry. It wasn't until he asked "does this view look better, or does this one", that I realized I had a vision issue. "You mean the colors, stars on the lights at night, and blurred lines isn't normal?" How would you know that you are seeing 20/20? Our early experiences shape the lens that we view ourselves, others and the world. Are you still questioning coming to therapy as I was questioning going to the eye doctor? What's the worse thing that could happen........Vision Check? (BTW: I have now advanced to the addition of a bifocal!! God will fine tune our vision if we allow Him to in that same way)

March 18, 2024 DW

"STOP WAITING FOR THESE THINGS IN YOUR MARRIAGE"

You wait for the bus. You wait for a package to be delivered. You wait for the toast to pop up. It makes sense to wait for some things, and in certain situations, waiting for the “right time” is important. But adopting this mindset across every aspect of your life can paralyze personal growth and prevent you from reaching and enjoying your full potential. If you want to make the most of your marriage, then stop waiting for these things:


…an easier season

You’ve got toddlers and/or a baby, and let’s be real – life is chaotic and you’re in survival mode. It’ll get easier when the kids are little bit older. You’re in the early stages of building your business, working crazy hours, and your work-life balance is basically non-existent. Once you’ve gotten established, things will settle down. The kids are older now, and their activities fill up the calendar every week. Once summer rolls around, things won’t be so hectic.


Do you ever find yourself in this cycle of thinking? Things are stressful or challenging right now, but there’s a magical time in the future when things will be easier. That’s when you’ll be able to focus more on your marriage, go on that vacation, be more intentional about family quality time, the list goes on. On one hand, it’s healthy to understand that the difficult seasons of life are temporary. Being able to embrace the ebbs and flows of life can help you be more resilient as you handle what’s thrown your way. The problem, of course, is if you’re never really living or finding joy in the present. You will go through tough seasons with your spouse, whether it’s related to parenting, money/careers, or your own relationship, but constantly waiting for that season to pass instead of being proactive about being happy in your marriage day-to-day will ultimately leave you feeling unfulfilled.


Instead of passively waiting for an easier season to come along, take control of the situation. That might be making the most of your current phase, or it might mean making changes or eliminating things that are draining your time or energy or straining your relationship. Sometimes, you might not have any choice but to power through a trying period. Consider setting an end date or a point when you’ll sit down with your spouse to assess your next steps.


…your spouse to break the silence

You have an argument with your partner that ends in both of your stalking off, frustrated and angry with each other. You stew in your feelings for a couple hours, going through all the reasons why you’re justified in being upset with them. You want to make up, but shouldn’t they apologize first? If you initiate reconnecting before they do, isn’t that like admitting you’re wrong and losing the argument? So you wait for them to come to their senses… and wait… meanwhile they’re doing the same thing!


Letting disconnection drag on for days until one of you finally gives in is ultimately damaging to your relationship. Handling conflict with your spouse takes a good amount of humility and vulnerability, and that means not letting pettiness prevent you from repairing things after an argument. Sure, you might need time to cool off or process your emotions – take it if you need it, but try to communicate your needs and that you want to reconvene to discuss things soon. You might say, “I need some time to calm down and process. Can we sit down and talk again in a few hours?” This opens up a standing invitation to reconnect instead of relying on one of you to break the icy silence. When you do come back together, take ownership of your feelings, actions, and contributions to the conflict. Instead of waiting for your partner to apologize, beat them to it. In turn, your partner will be much more likely to respond with empathy and vulnerability instead of defensiveness.


…issues to arise before working on your relationship

Your marriage is going great. You’re communicating well, you feel connected to each other, and you seem to be on the same page about most areas of your relationship. Okay, there are maybe a couple things you wouldn’t mind discussing, but they’re not really big things. Why risk rocking the boat? If it were serious, wouldn’t you be having issues or fighting about it? You’re not, so it can wait, right?


Here’s the thing: most issues don’t just pop up one day out of the blue. They grow slowly, over time, spreading insidiously until they finally come to a head in the form of a big fight. You might be caught off guard, wondering, “Where did this come from?” Or maybe deep down you’ve felt like something was off for awhile. You haven’t been fighting, but there’s been an occasional edge between you – maybe a lurking sense of resentment, avoided conversations, or tamping down frustrations.


The answer here is simple: don’t get complacent and wait for things to fall apart before putting in the “work” to keep your relationship strong. That work might be bringing up uncomfortable topics or issues that might disturb the peace between you. It might be having a weekly relationship check-in, participating in marriage enrichment classes, or even going to counseling. It might seem counterintuitive, but embrace the fact that a strong, healthy relationship is always a work in progress.


While there are certain times in marriage when patience pays off, waiting isn’t always the best option. Finding joy in your current phase of life, resolving conflict with your spouse, and working on your relationship are three things to be proactive and intentional about. So what are you waiting for?

(Prepare Enrich 4.17.24)

What Season Are You In?

Seed Planting Season..

Springtime is seen as a time of growth, renewal, of new life being born, and of the cycle of life once again starting. As a country farm girl, I always enjoy seeing the tractors coming out of hibernation to plant for the season. Planting, tending and harvesting a crop requires both a significant amount of power and a suitable range of tools and equipment. We plant the seeds in this season from which great harvest will come in a future season. It's a time of renewal and rejuvenation after the cold, dark months of winter. Forward thinking allows us to have hope and vision for the future. The seeds we plant now are determined by the type of harvest we want. What type of harvest do you want? Do you have the power, tools and equipment needed to cultivate the soil for your God given purpose? Is there anything else needed? What seeds are being planted into the next generation?

DW 4.24.24

good Grief?....

Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions and looks different for every person. We may feel as though we are permanently damaged and will never heal. The pain and suffering feels like an eternity .......... Survivors are left to face the pain of grief, and a new world without their loved one. Mourning is the process of adapting to loss. Keep in mind that adapting doesn’t mean forgetting—it means finding a way to cherish the memories of a loved one, while continuing to move forward in life. It can be tempting to avoid these feelings, burying them rather than facing them. I want to let you know that working through grief means confronting, naming, and making sense of the emotions. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. It means finding a place for the deceased in one’s thoughts— a place that is important but still leaves room for others. Picture it like a corner in a small room. In the beginning, every time you move you will hit that corner. Holidays and the firsts can make that room small again. Over time the room gets bigger and you are able to move around a little more but it is still there....... We are praying for the strength, peace and comfort of those who have lost loved ones.......  DW 5.14.24

Validate Me for My "Peace"....Right?

I was recently at a tea party for a friend’s birthday and was given a quote to read and

speak about. It read, “Real peace comes when you stop needing validation from others.” It really spoke to me because I have lived most of my life as a “people pleaser”

who looked at my success from the compliments I received or in proving the

“naysayers” wrong who said that I wasn’t going to be anything. Most people like to be

told that they are doing a good job. Who would turn down a good compliment?


There is a difference between our want of validation verses an absolute need for validation. I looked up the definition of validation and it said validation is the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something; the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable; recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. God made us for connection, so we naturally have a desire for validation from others. We want the people whose opinions we care about to support us and help celebrate our gains. For example, if we are successful in graduating from school or get a promotion from work, we naturally want to tell people and have them congratulate us. It literally produces a release of good feeling chemicals in our brain when we receive the validation from others.


The brain's reward center releases dopamine when someone validates our feelings, thoughts, or actions, which can make us feel really good. This dopamine rush can reinforce a behavior which can make it difficult to break the cycle of always seeking validation. Can we produce it for ourselves, or can we live without it? It is possible to live without validation, but it can be difficult. It could lead to a lot of negative emotions. The key is to stop completely relying on external validation. What is the line? How do we know we are relying on it? A lot of times we continue in this state because we don’t see the consequences. When we rely solely on external validation, it stops us from doing many things. It can hold us back from expressing our true selves for fear of what others may think. We might change our thoughts or beliefs based on how others feel, rather than what we feel. We become “people pleasers.” We might stop ourselves from showing up in a way that feels true to who we are. The more we rely on external validation throughout our lives, the more it can lead to feeling disconnected from ourselves, feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. When we rely only on others for approval, it can bring us down and limit our potential. Always turning to others to make us feel good is unhelpful and unhealthy.


After identifying the cycle I was in, I had to learn to accept my feelings without judgement. Negative feelings can often scare us and make us doubt ourselves which makes us look externally for someone to tell us we are okay. What I learned was that negative feelings are completely normal and part of being human. When we begin to accept all feelings and understand that they come and go and don’t define us, we can move through them without relying on others to make us feel safe and secure. I also learned to use my values as a guide rather than looking externally for someone to approve of me or what I have done. Does your action, decision or behavior align with your core values? Does it feel authentic and true to what you truly believe? If it does, then you know that you are doing the right thing. If it doesn’t, then you have the ability to change what you are doing so it aligns better to what is most important to you. The last thing I am learning on my journey is to be more self aware. This is the most important step. Just as it takes time to get to know another person, it’s an ongoing journey of self discovery. The more we understand who we really are, the better we become at moving forward on our path without needing others to tell us if what we are doing is good. What brings peace is not only knowing who you are but who’s you are.

Want to learn more about how to gain more inner peace?

DW 11.17.24


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